Author's note: I saw the preview for Aeryn getting back onto Talyn - A/J wise, it scared me to death. Plus, I just know I'll feel so bad for John. To keep me sane through what will no doubt be several episodes of severely heart-wrenching angst, I wrote this - how I wish they would handle the return. Not that it isn't angsty on its own, of course, but look what I had to work with.

Spoilers: Fractures and anything before that.

Distribution: Please, just ask me first.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: No, they're not mine. But I love them so.

Love, Pain, Sorrow, Joy
by Gatekeeper

"Now there's a familiar face."

Frell, she's beautiful. It's been weekens since I've seen her face, since she ran off with that clone. I can't help but feel relieved that he's dead.

Even as I think it, I catch something in her eyes. She's not relieved he's dead. Not at all.

Moya slips out from under me as my mind races in directions I can't stop.

Frell. What happened out there?

***

"Hello, John."

There he is. Gorgeous and annoying and so frelling alive. Only iron control keeps me from reaching out to touch him. To hold him. To have him assure me that he's here, and he'll never leave me again.

But no one can be assured of that. I opened my heart to him once, and he destroyed it by dying. I can't lose him again. I wouldn't survive it.

So I turn, head for my quarters. It's better this way, for both of us.

Frell. I thought there wasn't anything of my heart left to break.

***

What happened out there? The question becomes the focus of my existence, my desperate prayer that the answer isn't what I'm afraid it is.

Stark would tell me, but he isn't here to ask. I can't ask Aeryn. I won't. Talyn and Crais sure as dren won't talk.

So I ask Rygel. A little bribe, and he'll tell you anything. Even if it is the form of a complaint.

When he's finished, I try very hard not to kill him. The probacto I really want to get my hands on is already dead.

They were lovers. Worse than that, and I didn't think there could be a worse than that, she was comfortable with him. Open. Affectionate.

All the things she's never been with me.

Frell it, he got there first. And by dying, he got there last. I saw how she looked at me. I saw how she walked away. No affection there for me, the copy who should have died instead of the man she loved.

I make it to my quarters before I start to cry.

***

I try and tell myself that it isn't him.

This John isn't the same man that I lost. He's not the one that refused to say anything about that frelling vid chip. He's not the one that asked me to name stars with him. He's not the one that was teaching me to read English. He's not the one whose body fit so well against mine.

But then I will look at him, really look at him because I can't stop myself sometimes. And in no time at all there will be something, a gesture, a turn of phrase, a way ... a way he looks at me, and I realize I'm lying to myself.

He would have done those things if he had been there. They are the same man, both my John. I loved him long before these past few weeks happened. I love him still.

But I can't let him know that. I don't know if I can even allow us to be what we were before I opened myself - even my strongest Peacekeeper shields are frighteningly thin when it comes to John. So I pull away as far as I am able.

And a part of me feels the loss all over again.

***

It's killing her.

Being Aeryn, she refuses to admit it, but anyone who knows her well can see the pain that she's stonewalled. She looks like I must have, after she died.

It cuts me like a knife. How much she must have loved him.

I hate him. I hate him for hurting her like this. I hate him for having the opportunity.

I hate him, but I would kill to be him. To have the right to touch her. To reach across the table and hold her hand, met with welcome instead of a question. Instead of nothing. To have her look at me the way I know she looked at him. To have her tell me what she's thinking, feeling. To be able to hold her and tell her that everything will be all right.

How do you comfort the woman you love after the man she loves has died? How do you do anything when she hates you?

Be strong. Don't say anything. And try not to leave them a body to clean up afterward.

***

Frell, I wish Zhaan were here.

It would be best to avoid him, which shouldn't be so hard in a ship this large. But I'm drawn to him, his body a magnet for mine. I find him wherever he is.

He said I was his constant. It seems he is mine as well.

And there he is.

His back is to me as he stares out the window, looking infinitely more harmless than he has any right to. It gives me the opportunity to run. I should. It would be safer.

But I am so hungry for the sight of him.

He senses something, turns. In his eyes there is a brief, brilliant light of welcome, as if he has been waiting for me.

Frell.

Even the strongest walls can break. I feel tears start to slip through the cracks.

***

I must have let something slip. No man can be strong forever.

She's crying. Aeryn's crying. With just a look from me. Frell, what did that probacto do to her?

Why couldn't I have been that probacto?

Then the tears come harder, and her pain hits me like a club, envelops me. Suddenly, she is all that matters.

I reach out to her. She doesn't notice, so I use it as an opening to wrap my arms around her, hold her tightly as I try to absorb some of her pain into me.

It can't be any worse than mine.

Frell, this is killing me.

***

No, John. Please don't do this. When you're this close to me, I forget why I have to stay away from you. Why I can't love you as much as I want to.

My heart, malnourished thing that it is, sighs its welcome even as my mind screams. I can't go here again.

I never really left.

Frell, John. I hate you so much. What have you done to me?

***

She stiffens in my arms, shutting me out even now. I am denied even the right to comfort her.

Not even Scorpius's torture hurt this badly.

My voice is rough as I beg for the first time. Beg her to give me a chance to ease her pain. Beg for a chance to feel her again, however reflected.

"Can't you just pretend I'm him?"

***

Something stabs me with the words. Pain. I know pain. But this isn't mine.

I look up into John's eyes for the first time. They are raw, bleeding. Bleeding for me.

Frell, how I've hurt him.

The knowledge brings a fresh stab of pain that I've caused the man I love such grief. Grief for giving me grief. An endless cycle of love and pain and sorrow.

"Frell it John, you are him."

My own voice is rough. "And I can't lose you again."

An endless cycle of love and pain and sorrow. I'm not strong enough to survive it.

***

The ray of hope bursts through me so quickly it's almost painful. I try to keep my voice from shaking. "And that's why you ..."

She nods, already knowing what I'm going to say better than I do. She tries to pull away.

No, never again.

My fingertips graze her cheek as memories wash over me. "When you died, I wanted to die too."

The unspoken thought hung between us, understood by both. And I hadn't said a word before then.

I lean forward, my lips centimeters from her ear. "I need you so much, Sunshine. You are my constant."

***

I am undone.

I bury my face in his chest, surrendering myself to the truth. He will kill me, John Chrichton will, but I cannot live without him.

***

I wrap my arms around her once more, holding on for dear life. She is my life.

She murmurs against my chest. "You missed so much John."

I can't keep the pain out of my voice. But it is less. So much less. "I know."

***

I hear the pain in his voice, but there is something we have both forgotten. I look up at him, smile, stroke his cheek with my fingertips. "Don't worry, there will be so much more."

Joy. We had forgotten joy.

I kiss him, putting all of my heart and soul into it.

***

I kiss her, putting all of my heart and soul into it.

***

Love, pain, sorrow, joy.

I am whole once more.